Updated: Dec 20, 2019
Being a victim is who I was.
There are moments that change our lives for the better. Getting married, having children, making a best friend. And then there are moments that change our lives for reasons we will never understand. Losing a loved one, getting divorced, being a victim of sexual assault.
On December 18, 2003, I became the latter. My whole identity was taken away in moments that felt like hours. My life shattered into a million pieces and I wouldn’t rediscover who I was and who I was supposed to be for 11 years.
For 11 years, I was a victim. That was me. He took over my thoughts, my dreams, my goals, my aspirations, my reflection. I looked at myself and saw him. I saw the scars that he left behind. I saw the darkness that consumed me. I saw the ugliness that remained. There was nothing beautiful staring back at me. It all became second nature. I no longer knew how to be anything else but this unrecognizable woman. I truly despised everything about her.
And 16 years later, there are still parts of me that are a victim. Parts that I am working on bringing out into the open and revealing them. It is terrifying to think that this month will be 16 years since my life changed. It is terrifying to me that there are still parts of me that are holding on to him, holding on to what he did to me, and holding my true self captive.
Breaking these boundaries is not going to be easy. The work that I have been doing for the past 30 days has not been easy. It took me down a deep and dark path that I was stuck in for 2 weeks. A darkness that I hadn’t been in for a long time. I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to be two Samanthas. I don’t want to feel like part of me is barely hanging on while the other part wonders why she isn’t whole.
My two sides are at war. These next months are going to be about me digging in even deeper to repair the cracks. The repairs I started in 2014 are ready to be made into total renovations. I don’t want to be a victim anymore. I want to take my pain, my healing, and my truth to the whole next level so that I can help women do the same. Being a victim is no longer serving me and I am ready to release. I am ready to grow. I am ready to become.