I have been staring at this blinking cursor for days.
Wondering when the words were going to come with me.
Words that weren’t forced.
Words that would make an impact.
Words that held some emotion to them.
Except for this blinking cursor.
Life has been a bit blurry lately. Something is lost inside me and I can’t seem to coax it out in any way. The thoughts in my head are running rampant but when I try to put them out onto paper, they are all jumbled together. Nothing makes sense.
I had an entire blog post written and finished for today but something felt off. I couldn’t put my finger on it but it felt forced. The words didn’t spill out of me. The words I wrote on the page didn’t connect with me in any way. Talking about consistency when for the past month, I walked away from my blog. What a fraud I am for giving you tips on how to be consistent when all I can focus on is the blinking cursor that gets louder the longer I stare at it.
Looking away to stare out my window, I think I know what I have to do.
I walk downstairs, rip my socks off and stand outside in my grass.
Grounding or Earthing as they call it.
Maybe this will help me get out of my head and back into my soul. My soul is craving something but I do not seem to be speaking her language. Ten minutes and I feel happy, grounded BUT I still am at a loss for words. Disconnected has been a way of life for the past few months and it is becoming harder and harder to find my way back.
WHEN LIFE IS FULL OF GREY
There is nothing specific going on in my life that should have me feeling this bleak. Like a blanket of sadness that is covering me. My normal coping techniques aren’t working and so here I sit, hoping that as these words spill out, life will begin to make sense again. Words will begin to make sense again.
For the past (almost) seven years, I have been blogging. I have created a life around blogging that has helped me heal and overcome incredibly dark areas in my life. Blogging has given me an outlet. A way for me to show that healing isn’t a beautiful process in the moment. It is painful while we are in the midst of it and only becomes beautiful when we are on the other side of it.
Blogging has allowed me to build relationships and connect with women that have become like family to me.
Women that have cheered me on to continue on this journey.
Women that stood by me even though they didn’t know me in person.
Women who have supported my businesses.
Women who have taken the leap to heal themselves because they saw that I did it.
Yet here I sit, unable to heal on the deeper level that is calling me. Not knowing where to go or how to find this little voice inside that is telling me that I am just not good enough. She is taking over again. She is getting louder and louder as the day goes on. She is showing up when I least expect her. She is taking over the Samantha that I have become. Dragging her down because that is what she does.
I took a job in June.
A job that I didn’t want to take because it made me feel like a failure. Being an entrepreneur isn’t an option for me because I am just not good enough at it. That meant that I wasn’t good at blogging or coaching others how to blog.
I took a job in June.
It has made me feel like I am unworthy of my dreams. The words that replay over and over again in my head are,
“It’s good for your kids to see you working.”
I know she didn’t mean it the way that I took it but maybe she is right. Maybe following my dreams is just not possible. Maybe having a dream isn’t enough to succeed. Being able to show women that sharing their stories and loving their past isn’t something that can be monetized.
I took a job in June.
That means less time for my business.
That means less time at home.
That means more time working for someone else.
That means admitting that I am just not a good enough coach to make a business out of it.
I took a job in June.
I am now bringing in money to take the stress off of my husband. That is what I wanted. That is what he desperately needed me to do.
Yet, I still feel like it makes me less than who I am supposed to be. It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel stupid and useless. All because I said yes to a job so that my family could keep surviving.
FINDING MY WAY BACK
There are things that I can continue to do that will help me work through all of this blandness.
I have brought back my morning meditation. There were a few weeks when I walked away from doing it but I know that I always feel better after I listen to it in the morning. Every morning I will be doing a guided morning meditation.
I will be bringing back my evening meditation. It is time for me to sit in nothing but quiet darkness. Even if I can only make it through five minutes right now, this is time that I give to myself. Time to restore who I want to be. Allow her to show herself when she has the chance.
Bringing out the journal. I haven’t journaled in months and now is the perfect time to start again. Maybe my words will begin to flow like they used to. Maybe I will have some breakthroughs when I allow myself to just free flow.
Start my EMDR sessions again. I walked away. I was doing so well and then I just stopped. I was scared of what I was going to experience and I wasn’t sure that I was ready. I am ready now and it is time for me to take this massive step into healing even more from the past.
Yoga. Now that school is in session, my plan is to do yoga every morning at 6:30 am. It doesn’t have to be a long class but it has to be intentional and help me move my body in a way that feels good to me.
THE PAGE IS NO LONGER BLANK
That little cursor is still blinking but now there are words on the page.
Words that hurt me to write.
Words that make me feel silly.
Words that I didn’t expect to come out.
How do I move past these feelings that are being burned into my soul?
I want to feel worthy of my dreams again.
I want to show my kids that passion can and should be followed.
I want to be able to feel the passion again.
I want to take this grey feeling and fill it with colour.
This blog post was supposed to be about what consistency means as a blogger and here I am, spewing words that are deep down in my soul. Words that I don’t want to admit but that needed to be said out loud. Learning once again to THRIVE IN MY EMOTIONS.
Maybe the soul searching with my feet in the grass worked after all.