A tear soaked pillow wasn't how I planned on bringing in the early morning hours of 2020. I had plans. I had visions of how I wanted this new year to start right. And yet, here I lay mad, upset, and lonely. How did I get here?
The countdown always brings with it amazing promise. That this year will be different, better. That somehow the stroke of midnight would bring change.
Then I read the words...
Maybe what I'm searching for, he can't provide. That to truly love him and myself, I need to release these beliefs. I need to look inward for what I feel like is missing. To truly love him, I need to accept the real him. Which might not come with the level of intimacy that I am searching for.
This realization doesn't mean he is a bad husband. It means he is doing what he can to love me, in ways that he knows how. I seek something deeper in our marriage, in our love but more importantly in myself.
There is a love story that I love to talk about. It is our love story. A man saving me when I needed it the most. A man was willing to give up his life in order to be with me. But that is no longer our story. Our love has taken many twists and turns and has hit every roadblock set up to break us. We still stand. Tattered and a bit broken but strong.
I no longer need to be saved. He no longer needs to be my hero. And I accept this truth as our truth. Our love isn't based on a fairytale. Our love is needy and imperfect but real. Our connection is true.
It is unfair of me to put all of my needs on him. Intentional love is what I'm going to create. A way to look at him and know without a doubt that he is doing the best he can. And that hopefully, he knows I am too. To be intentional means to be passionate, grounded, and purposeful in our marriage. To love him means to love me.
This year will be different. This year will be better. This year I throw out looking at the faults. This year I begin to see the way he smiles at me. This year I begin to embrace the hugs from behind. This year I embrace the small talk while I make dinner. This year I begin to look at him through the eyes of the girl who met him 15 years ago.