Updated: Dec 20, 2019
There is a part of my life that I look back and wonder how I survived. How I walked out of those years in one piece. I truly believe that each of us has a year that has completely transformed our life. Possibly many many of those years. Some of those may be traumatic transformations and some will be transformations for the positive.
I want to focus on one of the positive transformative years that I had. If you haven’t been following me long, you will not know my story. I won’t go into most of it here. But what I will say is that for many of the years between 2003 - 2014, I was living a life outside of myself. I was hiding. Hiding shame. Hiding fear. Hiding the negative thoughts that replayed in my head on a daily basis.
2014 was a year that turned my life around. Now before I had amazing moments in the years prior but the darkness was always there. It didn’t give me much breathing room. Meeting Richard is 2005 was a life-changing moment. Getting married to Richard in 2006 was a life-changing moment. Having Quinton in 2007 was a life-changing moment. Expanding our family in 2011 with Anneleise and again in 2016 with Iliza was more life-changing moments.
2014 was different. It was the year that I looked MY darkness in the eye and decided that it could no longer hold it’s power over me like it had been. In order to heal, my darkness had to become front and center and I had to dig in deep to shine a light on it.
I remember my kids’ fear of moving to another province. They were terrified of losing friends, of not being able to make new friends, and if they were even going to like our new home. I sat them both down and told them that this was their chance to reinvent themselves. No one knew who they were and that the possibilities were endless.
Those words ignited a fire in me. If my kids could do it, then so could I. I could be someone different. I could leave the darkest moments in the past and know that my life could be beautiful. It truly was beautiful but as anyone knows, when darkness is present, that beauty is sometimes hard to see.
2014 was by no means an easy year. Facing my demons head-on meant that there were some very low lows and some very high highs. Most of those being low lows. To get past all of it, I needed to forgive so it was my year of forgiveness. Forgiving myself for all that I allowed myself to believe. Forgiving myself for allowing others to treat me the way they had been for years. Forgiving him for the destruction that he caused. Forgiving myself for all the mistakes that I made along the way.
It took me a year. A WHOLE YEAR!! To be able to look in the mirror and not see a reflection crying or looking away because she hated what she saw. I am grateful every day for the decision Richard and I made to move to Alberta. Without that decision, I would not be the woman that I am today. There are still moments when the darkness creeps in and that is ok. I allow it. I am no longer at the darkness’ mercy. I took my power back. Will you?