Updated: Dec 20, 2019
Sitting at my kitchen counter wishing that I was laying in bed in the darkness. Today was a hard day to get out of bed. I wonder if anyone noticed it. I wonder if my husband notices the laundry in the baskets that is clean but hasn’t been put away for a couple of days. I wonder if he notices the dirty laundry that is piling up in the hallway that desperately needs to be washed. I wonder if he notices the kitchen that needs to be cleaned. I wonder if he notices the sadness that is behind the smile.
Today is supposed to be a day that I give you wisdom on Wisdom Wednesday but I want to share with you what it is like when the darkness comes in. What do I mean by darkness? It is my PPD. It is moments when I feel like I have no control over my emotions.
Yesterday started out like any other day. It was a good day actually. Well besides the fact that it was once again snowing and didn’t stop all day. I got the kids all off to school and got work done. The day was normal except for this nagging feeling that I didn’t have the energy to do anything. I know this is a sign of the clouds rolling in but I didn’t really listen. However, by the time I went to pick my daughter up from school, it had hit me. I am good with words but when these feelings come in, words elude me. Except for poetry……...sometimes.
To explain what it feels like is hard. There is this blankness that washes over me. I feel nothing but yet I feel everything. The pain. The questioning. The happiness is there but it is buried deep. Laughing can trigger unstoppable tears. Thoughts can trigger unstoppable tears.
It is hard to reach out but I did. I messaged a friend last night with a message that just said, I’m struggling. She helped me as best as she could but there really isn’t anything that anyone can do. I want to be surrounded by people but I want to be alone. These moments are full of contradictory feelings. Feelings of craving touch. Feelings of wanting nothing to do with anyone else. Feelings of laughing. Feelings of wanted to cry uncontrollably. Feelings of unconditional love when I watch my children dance and giggle. Feelings of guilt that I haven’t been the mom that I should be.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I want you to know what it is like to be in my every day. I want you to know that you are not alone when you have these feelings. My truth, my story, my life can hopefully help someone out there. Someone who wants to be surrounded by people but wants to be left alone. This is my message for you that we can get through this together.
Show up even when you don’t want to. Reach out and let someone know that you are struggling. Even if you don’t want them to do anything, they know and they will be there when you need them. These are the days I know that I need to take them moment by moment because when I don’t, I fall deeper into this black hole. It will consume me and I don’t want that. I know what it feels like and I don’t want that to happen again.
Know that you can always reach out to me. Even if it is just to say, I understand or I am struggling. I will respond with, I am here when you need me. Because I am. I always will be. Together we can fight these moments and give them less power.
Today I want you to walk away with this...
When life gets hard, remember that you are NEVER alone.
When you notice a change, even slight, ask that person if they are ok. Ask them to truly listen to the answer not just to respond.
Show up. Remember that chores can wait. The laundry can pile up. The kitchen can become messy. Laying in bed is okay. Take the time that you need to help heal.