I have been trying to write a blog post for 2 days now. I can’t concentrate. I know what is causing it but I can’t seem to get past it. Writing hasn’t helped. Talking to friends hasn’t helped. I feel as if I am stuck in this limbo that I have no control over.
I am in this cloud of fear, sadness, questioning who I am, darkness, and feeling unworthy. I am trapped and I feel as if I can’t move. There doesn’t feel like there is a safe place to go. I have cried and cried many nights. I have listened to affirmations, meditations, and all the positivity in the world. And still, I am stuck.
Why am I sharing this with you?
I started my blog to be truthful with you. To share my story. And that means that hard parts and the moments when I just want to run and hide. This is part of my journey. Part of my story of becoming who I am supposed to be.
I often wonder why that has to be so hard. Why does it feel like I take 3 steps forward and then fall back 12 feet and get stuck? I know that there is a lesson to learn but I am tired of the lessons. I am tired of feeling guilty for nothing. I am exhausted from the loneliness that consumes me. That loneliness is taking over and I can’t stop it.
I know that this is a phase. That days, weeks, months from now, I will look back and understand why all of this is happening at this moment but that doesn’t take the pain away right now. It doesn’t make the reasoning any less easy to understand.
Maybe by writing this post, others will understand and say, I get it. It won’t help much knowing that I’m not alone but maybe it will help someone else.
Today will be a day that I take moment by moment because I can’t look further ahead than that. I am trying to keep the tears at bay so my kids don’t question how I am feeling. Even though I am sure that they know something is off. I am grouchy and mean today. Have you ever been like that? Taking all of these emotions and throwing them at my kids like it is their fault. It isn’t. I will apologize profusely today to them so that they know it isn’t them. The mom guilt will kick in and it will make me cry harder and longer.
I am finding myself scrolling through social media like I haven’t for a long time. Focusing on the good around me. Hoping that someday that good will come to me. That I will have those photos with laughing kids and moments where everything felt just perfect. For now, I don’t have those moments. I have an emptiness inside that is seeping into the ones around me. I have a tear-soaked pillow from the lonely nights spent watching movies.
Today blogging is going to take a backseat. Maybe getting these thoughts out of my head will help a bit. Maybe this will be a way for my heart to begin healing. Maybe I will just need to curl up in my bed and block everyone and everything out and just listen. Listen to the way my kids play in the background. Listen to the way the trees are blowing around in the wind. Listen to the way my sobs are being silenced as I push my head deeper into my pillow.
Today I am not a blogger. Today I am a woman who is hurt and can’t find the peace that she needs to move on. Today I am questioning my life in ways that I haven’t questioned it before. Today I am broken and depressed. Today I am feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and I don’t know how to take it off. Today I am just empty.